The Art of Setting Boundaries

Updated: Dec 22, 2020

Table of Contents

• Do You Struggle to Say "No"?

• What Are Boundaries?

• Why Are Boundaries Important and Where Can Things Go Wrong?

• Why Are Boundaries So Hard to Set?

• Steps to Set Appropriate Boundaries

  • Recognize where a boundary is needed.

  • Communicate it clearly and avoid over-explaining.

  • Set Consequences

• Online Therapy with FP Counselling

• Book a Free 20-Minute Phone Consultation

• References

Do you struggle to say “no” to people? Do you have difficulties in asking for what you need in relationships? Do you usually attend to other people’s needs before you own? Do you feel responsible for other people’s feelings?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, it is possible that setting personal boundaries does not come naturally to you. It may feel uncomfortable when you have to state your needs in relationships, and therefore it can often feel as though you are giving more than you are receiving. Setting personal boundaries is an important aspect in maintaining healthy relationships. This post is about defining what are personal boundaries, why they are important, and providing some tips on how to set them.

What are Boundaries?

The concept of boundaries is all around us. One way to think about this concept is the membrane of a cell. This membrane exists to contain the cell, protecting it from elements outside of its limits. The cell membrane allows certain substances to come in, while keeping toxic or harmful substances out. Personal boundaries, work very much the same way as a cell membrane would. They are limits. They help us define our identity, where we begin and where we end. More importantly, boundaries allow us to make confident decisions about what we allow into our lives, and what we want to keep out. Boundaries are the way in which we define and communicate our physical, emotional and psychological space, so that we may distinguish ourselves from others.

Why Are Boundaries Important and Where Can Things Go Wrong?

Clear and healthy boundaries are an integral part of self care. First, boundaries allow us to turn down commitments or request from others, so that we may prioritize areas of our lives that are important to us. For example, while it is ok to accept requests from others sometimes, it would be detrimental to our mental health if we said yes to all requests from everyone in our lives. Imagine if you had the need to accept all requests from people at work, and in your personal life. You would soon find yourself exhausted, without time for any of the activities that are important for you and your self-care. An inability to say no to others can lead to feelings of anger, resentment and burn out. Being able to turn people down occasionally can help us create more balance in our lives. More importantly, by prioritizing ourselves and our self-care, we can have more resources available to help others.

A second way in which healthy boundaries can benefit our mental health is by helping us create healthier relationships. Boundaries are ways in which we define what is ok and not ok when we interact with others. Just like when learning to play a new game, the clearer the rules are for everyone, the easier it will be to play. The same principle applies to relationships. It is easier to have positive interactions when everyone involved knows what is acceptable and not acceptable. More importantly, having a better understanding of your own boundaries will make it easier to identify situations where these boundaries have been crossed, so that you may react accordingly.

Boundaries can become unhealthy when they are in one of two extremes, either when they are too flexible, or when they are too rigid. Either of these extremes do not allow us to become truly emotionally close to others, which prevents us from making healthy and meaningful relationships. Having appropriate boundaries allow us to discriminate between circumstances when it is ok to let someone in, to help someone, to trust, etc. and times when it would hurtful for us to do so. Having boundaries that are too flexible, create a pattern of letting everything and anyone in, and giving more than perhaps we can afford. Boundaries that are too rigid, keep everyone away indiscriminately, leaving us feeling more lonely and isolated.

Ultimately, boundaries are important because wether it is through saying no to others, or establishing limits in our relationships, they help us feel more in control of our lives. A sense of autonomy over our life is crucial in leading a healthy life, and it can be a protective factor against mental illnesses such as depression or anxiety.

Why Are Boundaries So Hard to Set?

The way we set boundaries (or not), is mostly learned through our life experiences. Through these experiences we develop assumptions or beliefs about setting boundaries, which define the way we go about setting our limits in the present. Below are some common beliefs about boundaries, which can make setting them especially difficult:

1. Setting boundaries means I am selfish:
   On the contrary, setting boundaries allows for us to be more connected to our loved ones. As mentioned above, having boundaries that are too flexible can lead to a feeling of exhaustion and resentment towards others. Neglecting our own needs in order to meet someone else’s can cause our resources to become depleted, and therefore our ability to cope with new stressors in our life is diminished. Taking care of our own needs first ensures that we have more resources available to meet others’ needs appropriately.
   
   

2. I feel guilty when I think about placing boundaries:
   Guilt is perhaps one of the most common feelings that can arise when setting boundaries. Guilt can come up when we say no to someone, because we may feel we are letting them down. It can also come up when we ask for one of our needs to be met by someone else. As we become more comfortable with boundary-setting skills, and others’ reactions to our boundaries, we begin to see that other people cope well when we make our needs known. It can be very freeing to know that friends and family can access other resources. It can also be very validating to know that others are able to meet our needs when we ask in an assertive manner.
   
   

3. I am afraid others won’t love me if I set boundaries:
   Some people fear that others will not meet their needs because they somehow not worth the special attention/care. They worry that they may lose people in their lives by setting boundaries with them. A common concern is also that if they turn down requests, opportunities will stop coming their way. Although these are common worries, boundaries actually have the opposite effect. They are a way of getting closer to others. When we consistently ask for what we need, and decline opportunities when we cannot take them on, others can trust that we will be honest in our responses to any request. This actually deepens trust and closeness in relationships.

It is possible that some people may initially resist or push-back on some of the boundaries we place. This is not to mean that they do not love us, that we are doing something wrong, or that we will lose the relationship. It can take some time for others to adjust to these new expectations and limits. However, as long as you can continue to be clear and consistent with your boundaries, most people will come around.

Steps to Set Appropriate Boundaries: 

Setting boundaries is a skill, and like any new skill, it may feel a bit strange to try it the first few times. The following steps can get you started in assertively stating your needs to others:

1. Recognize where a boundary is needed.

The first step is to recognize where we need more boundaries. This can even change across different areas of our life. Perhaps you are really good at setting boundaries at work. However, perhaps you notice that any time a family member calls asking for help, your answer is always yes, no matter what it is or when. It is important to be honest  with yourself in recognizing areas of your life that could benefit from clearer boundaries.

Journaling can be a good strategy to find out where these boundaries are, and why they are important to you. Think of situations when perhaps you agreed to do something, and felt somewhat angry or resentful for saying yes, or situations in which you allowed for someone to treat you a certain way that left you feeling like something was not quite right. What could have been done differently? How can you recognize these events more quickly next time, and what is the boundary that needs to be placed? Why is this boundary important to you?

2. Communicate it clearly and avoid over-explaining.

In communicating a boundary to others, it is key to be clear and concise. For example, “sorry, I can’t help you with the move this weekend”, or “I need some alone time tonight.” There is no need to explain why. 

It is also important to keep these statements about you, rather than about the other person. For example, instead of saying “you can’t expect me to drop everything to come and help you”, you can say “I can’t come and help you right now.”

3. Set Consequences.

If we are to set boundaries, it is also important to be clear about the consequences if the boundary is not respected. For example, if you would like to stop getting last minute work assignments, you can state that you need some more time to complete work assignments and cannot guarantee the work being completed unless you are given three day’s notice. 

Boundaries are a key component in our self-care, and in maintaining strong and healthy relationships. Although they are such a big contributor to our mental health, some people find it difficult to set boundaries and maintain them. The important aspects to remember about this skill is to first determine where you need to set firmer limits and then communicate it clearly with others. As with any skill, it may take time and practice for it to feel more natural, but your wellbeing and your relationships will thank you for it.

In-Person, Telephone and Online Calgary Therapy with FP Counselling

Sometimes its difficult to set and clearly communicate your boundaries. If you feel that you need to learn or work on your skills to better set firm limits with others and communicate them clearly, FP Counselling offers free 20-minute consultations to see if we might be a good fit to help you do that, and we would be more than happy to speak with you to see how we can support you in building and practicing those skills. Schedule a free 20-minute consultation with us:

References: 

Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no, take control of your life. Zondervan. 

Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation (2020, April 17). Boundaries and self care: The beauty of boundaries. Retrieved from https://www.hazeldenbettyford.org/articles/cleantis/self-care-skills-relationships

Kairns, Dawn M. (1992). "Protect yourself: set boundaries." RN, 55(3). Retrieved from https://link-gale-com.ezproxy.lib.ucalgary.ca/apps/doc/A12119873/EAIM?u=ucalgary&sid=EAIM&xid=9ae5b7de