Beyond Obedience: Strategies to Nurture Moral Integrity in Children

Table of Contents

• Understanding the Rule Internalization Process:

• Practical Research-Backed Strategies to Support Internalization:

• Final Thoughts

• References

• Free 20 Minute Consultation with FP Counselling

When it comes to limit setting with children, the goal of every parent and caregiver should be to go beyond merely getting your child to follow rules in the moment. Instead, it should be to raise a child who will truly understand the reasons behind those rules and limits, paving the way for a lifetime of moral integrity. Imagine your child growing up to be an adult who genuinely cares about doing what's right, not just because they have to, but because they want to. This transformative process is known as rule internalization, a concept from the field of psychology that holds incredible potential for parents who wish to teach their children how to choose to be more kind and do the “right” thing.

 In this blog post, we will explore the fascinating world of rule internalization and share practical research-backed strategies that can help parents and caregivers foster this vital process in their children.

Understanding the Rule Internalization Process:

To understand the internationalization process and how it works, it is important to understand what can foster or hinder it. In a recent study done by Robichaud and colleagues (2020) that explored this question, researchers found that when children responded to their parents' rule-setting with less anger and more empathy, they are more likely to genuinely accept and embrace the rules and limits in place. This finding is consistent with past research that suggests that the more a child is able to accept a limit that is given the more likely they were develop a true understanding of what was asked of them, which in turn helped them to internalize the underlying values that the rule represented (Grusec et al., 2017). Additionally, it reaffirms additional anger research and its impact on pro-social behaviour that suggests that the use of disciplinary strategies that trigger anger, can thwart the internalization process, as it can lead children to focus on perceived unfairness rather than embracing the intended values of the proposed limit (Roberts et al., 2014).

In terms of application, previous research has found that the use of strategies that enhance empathy can help to contribute to the internalization process and prosocial behaviours such as helping, sharing, donating and volunteering (Kochanska et al., 2010). In the following section, we will delve deeper into what practical strategies can be employed by parents to cultivate empathy, acceptance, and internalization of rules in their children.

Practical Research-Backed Strategies to Support Internalization:

1. Friendly Reminders and Understanding: Instead of immediately using discipline, start with a kind reminder of the rule or limit, taking into consideration your child's age and development. Remember, they're still learning and discovering the world! So, whenever you can, show understanding and empathy for their learning process. If your child expresses unhappiness or frustration towards a specific limit, let them know that you hear them and understand how they feel. This empathy helps them feel respected while still upholding the limit

   Examples: "Hey sweetie, remember we need to clean up our toys before bedtime. I know you must be tired, but remember we need to keep our space tidy." Or "Hey sweetie, just a heads-up, we have about 10 minutes left before bedtime. I know it can be so hard to stop playing, but it’s time to start tidying up our toys OK?."

2. Offering Choices and Explaining Reasons Behind Limits: Empower your child by involving them in decision-making or problem-solving process when they struggle with a rule or limit. Give them options within certain boundaries, allowing them to exercise some autonomy. At the same time, explain the reasons behind the rule, focusing on how it impacts others. By highlighting empathy and providing reasoning, children gain a deeper understanding of why the rule is important for promoting kindness and consideration.

   Example: "It’s almost time for bed, we need to clean up your toys. Do you want to walk or skip while we do it? It's important to leave a clean space after we play so no one trips or hurts themselves” Or “When you grabbed that toy from your brother’s hands, it hurt his hands and interrupted his play. Do you want to apologize to him now or after you grab him some ice?”. 

3. Praise Effort or Highlight Prosocial Behaviours When They Occur: One simple way to motivate a child to improve and grow is by recognizing their hard work and offering words of praise for the things they are doing well, even if it doesn't meet our exact expectations. To achieve this, parents are recommended to try to be observant and look out for moments when their child demonstrates kind or helpful behavior naturally. This could be something like getting a drink for someone, helping to set the table, or sharing a toy without being asked. When you notice these moments, take a moment to pause what you are doing in that moment (not later!), to acknowledge their efforts and praise them for it. For help with this, parents are encouraged to think about the kind of atmosphere that would inspire them to change. Would you be motivated to improve if someone constantly pointed out your mistakes or what you were lacking when try something new? Or would you feel encouraged to continue growing if others took the time to notice and appreciate the effort you are already putting in and how close you actually are to achieving the desired outcome? By highlighting and praising your child's effort and positive actions, you create a supportive environment that motivates them to keep trying and growing.

   Example: "I saw how you shared your toy with your sibling without anyone telling you to do so. That was really kind and thoughtful of you! It shows that you care about others and their feelings. Keep up the good work, high five!"

4.  Connecting Consequences to Behavior: If your child violates a limit or rule. Consider using consequences that will help show or teach children the consequences of their actions. In turn, helping them understand the cause-and-effect relationship that exists. For example, if they hit their sibling, first seek to address the hurt they caused by asking them to take a break from playing and assist their sibling by getting an ice pack to help care for injured. This way, they see how their behavior affects others and help them foster some empathy. Alternatively, another logical consequence that could be used in this case could include helping children understand the impact of their behavior on others' feelings and relationships by assigning them a task to repair the relationship or make amends with the sibling they hurt.

   Example: "You hurt your brother when you hit him. Let's take a break from playing and help him feel better. Can you get him an ice pack, please?" Or “Hitting can hurt people’s feelings, their bodies and our relationship with them. It’s important to treat each other kindly and respectfully. To make amends, I would like you to go and apologize for hitting them and ask if there is anything you can do to help them feel better. Maybe you can help them with a task or spend some quality time together.” This latter portion is important, as by assigning them with this task you encourage your child to understand the impact of their behaviour, take responsibility for their actions and actively work towards a repair in the relationship they affected.

5.  Creating a Nurturing Environment: Instead of using threats or making them feel afraid or guilty, choose to foster an environment of empathy, understanding, and respect. This compassionate approach builds trust and cooperation, which enhances the internalization process. With this, focus on nurturing their sense of responsibility and guiding them towards making positive choices.

   Example: "Let's talk about why it's important to share toys. Sharing makes others happy and helps us all have fun together. I believe in your ability to make kind choices and treat others with respect.” For kids who are a little bit older, it can also be helpful to follow up this conversation with an invitation to gently discuss alternative actions or choices they could make such as: “Can you think of other ways in which you can make kinder choices or treat others with respect?" If they struggle to come up with something within 10 seconds, consider giving them an age-appropriate example of one choice they could make to start the conversation.

6.  Using Children's Interests to Build Empathy and Prosocial Awareness: Another effective strategy is to leverage your child's interests, such as their favorite sports, books, movies, or shows, to cultivate empathy and raise awareness of prosocial behaviors (or their absence) when they naturally occur in others. Instead of comparing your child to the characters directly, invite them to be curious and engage in brainstorming sessions about alternative ways of acting when it’s appropriate to do so. This strategy assists parents in using their children’s interests as a springboard for discussions allows children to connect with and relate to the characters or situations they love, while simultaneously encouraging critical thinking and empathy.

   For example, while watching "The Lion King," discuss how characters like Timon and Pumba helped Simba without him asking. Ask your child, "Did you see how Timon and Pumba offered to help Simba? That was helpful and nice of them! Can you think of other ways they could have helped Simba?" This connects the characters' actions to real-life situations, encouraging your child to consider different approaches to kindness. Similarly, when watching a sports game where players engage in aggressive behavior, address the lack of kindness and respect. Say, "Did you see those players hitting each other? That was not very nice. We should always aim to treat each other with respect. What are some other ways they could have been kinder to each other?" Prompting your child to think about alternative, kinder actions fosters empathy, critical thinking, and a deeper understanding of prosocial behaviors.

7.  Refrain from Implementing Disciplinary Practices That May Provoke Anger Unnecessarily: When implementing discipline strategies, it's crucial to steer clear of threats, fear or guilt-inducing tactics whenever possible. While these methods may yield immediate results, they can be perceived as controlling by children and lead to increased anger, ultimately hindering the internalization process, as discussed above.

   Example: "You should be ashamed of yourself for getting such a low grade. You're not even trying hard enough.", “After all your brother did for you earlier is this how you want to repay him? By being rude to him?” Or “If you don’t clean up right now, I will take away all your toys and you’ll have nothing to play with for the rest of the month”

Final Thoughts

In closing, it's important to remember that parenting is a journey filled with unique challenges and triumphs. While the strategies discussed in this blog post can provide valuable insights and guidance, every child is different, and individual circumstances may require additional support. If you find yourself and your child continuing to struggle with internalizing rules or facing persistent difficulties, it may be beneficial to seek professional assistance.

Child or family psychologists can offer personalized strategies and support tailored to your specific needs. Remember, reaching out for help is a sign of strength and a proactive step towards creating a nurturing environment where your child can thrive. You are not alone on this journey, and there is support available to help you and your child navigate these challenges successfully.

References

Grusec, J. E., Danyliuk, T., Kil, H., & O’Neill, D. (2017). Perspectives on parent discipline and child outcomes. International Journal of Behavioral Development, 41(4), 465–471. https://doi.org/10.1177/0165025416681538

Kochanska, G., Koenig, J. L., Barry, R. A., Kim, S., & Yoon, J. E. (2010). Children’s Conscience During Toddler and Preschool Years, Moral Self, and a Competent, Adaptive Developmental Trajectory. Developmental Psychology, 46(5), 1320–1332. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0020381

‌Roberts, W., Strayer, J., & Denham, S. (2014). Empathy, anger, guilt: Emotions and prosocial behaviour. Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science / Revue Canadienne Des Sciences Du Comportement, 46(4), 465–474. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0035057

 Robichaud, J. M., Lessard, J., Labelle, L., & Mageau, G. A. (2020). The role of logical

consequences and autonomy support in children’s anticipated reactions of anger and empathy. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 29, 1511-1524.