Social Distancing With Your Significant Other

How to Remain Connected and Survive Together

Written by: Erin Summers

Let’s face it - spending 24/7 with anyone, our spouse or not, can be incredibly taxing on us. Humans love to be together, but we also truly love our space and independence. Adjusting to the new normal of social distancing means that couples, spouses, and significant others are living in closer confined spaces for the foreseeable future.

From my own observation I have noticed a few common themes among couples. The adjustment has either been very powerful in creating closeness, re-vamped feelings of love and connection, or it has increased stress and strain on relationships. It’s important to understand that ALL of these are normal in the wake of our current situation. Not only are you posed with new challenges in regards to learning how to co-exist with one another, but we are faced with the challenge of supporting and managing each other’s emotional experiences, needs, and anxieties. Chances are, many couples have not experienced something to this magnitude together. We will need to be there for our partners in ways that we have never been before, and learn to navigate an ever changing world on a daily basis. 

To offer support during this challenging time, I thought it would be fitting to compile a list of some of my favourite take-away strategies to strengthen your relationship from Gottman Method Couples Therapy, along with some of the tips that I utilize in my current work as a Couples Therapist that I find helpful to apply to our daily lives.  My hope is that you can take something away from these to enhance your skillset, deepen your partnership, and feel prepared to face the challenges ahead that your relationship may be experiencing.

Building Love Maps

One of the most effective theories of the Gottman Method is known as the Sound Relationship House. This house has 7 levels, or principles that they walk through and believe are needed in a relationship to share emotional attunement, connection, and lasting love. The first level of this house is known as Building Love Maps. The principle behind Building Love Maps is the understanding and exploration of your partner’s inner world, and getting to know your partner on a deeper level. Research suggests that getting to know your partners inner world; insignificant and significant details included, can allow you to feel better prepared to weather the storms that your marriage may endure. You might be wondering how to put this Love Map into action. This can be done by asking questions to each other and seeing if you can answer them. This always reminds me of the game you see at weddings, where the bride and groom is asked to answer questions about each other and raise their shoe if the statement is true or false. Think about it that way; would you be able to answer those seemingly silly small questions about your partner?

The principle behind Building Love Maps is the understanding and exploration of your partner’s inner world, and getting to know your partner on a deeper level.

In my work as a couples therapist it can be evident when couples somewhat glaze over or skip this step of connection with one another. You might hear couples say they don’t feel like they know their partner deeply anymore, or that they feel as though their friendship to one another and communication is lacking. This is where Love Maps comes into play. Love Maps encourage healthy and open communication between partners. Not only that, but the questions are often lighthearted, and can be very nostalgic for couples to complete together. It’s important to note that this is an ongoing process. You might have done this at one point in your relationship, however as you grow and evolve as a couple, it will be important to continue exploring and building these love maps together.

The Gottman Institute now has an app that you can get on both Android and Apple Devices called Gottman Card Decks. It’s separated into topic areas, including Love Maps. They are fun questions that you can ask back and forth and can supplement a great conversation. Give it a try on your next date night and see how well you know each other!

Bids for Connection

Another layer to the Sound Relationship Theory from the Gottman Method is Bids for Connection. Bids for Connection are attempts from one partner to another to receive affirmations, affection, attention, or connection. They could look like the small gestures that you might make toward your partner… maybe reaching out to put a hand on their leg, rubbing their back, smiling at one another. They can also look much more complex such as asking for help, asking for a hug, or to spend time together.

Whichever way they are, bids for connection are important moments in your relationship to start to pay attention to. They require a great deal of awareness to your partners non-verbal expression, and may take some time to figure out what they might be needing from you. It is important to respond to these bids, within reason of your own boundaries in order to foster connection. Research suggests that when partners respond to one another’s bids it continually works to strengthen the bond with one another.

Just as with Love Maps, Bids for Connection are constantly evolving. What we seek out from each other might change from time to time, and specifically during times of hardship and pain. As the world experiences life altering changes due to COVID-19, your relationship will endure changes as well. The ways that you lean on one another for support may shift, and depending on personal experiences and coping with all this pandemic has presented us with may change the way we Bid for Connection to our partners.

Try to see if you can pick out your partners bids for connection. Notice the look they might have on their face, the tone in their voice, and their body language. Notice how you feel once you have responded to this bid… do you feel more connected to your partner?

Create Boundaries

Inevitably, your relationship will have to adjust drastically to the current concept of social distancing and isolation. Whether you and your partner are both working from home, or one is working and the other is not, it is clear that some boundaries might need to be set and discussed. Creating boundaries with one another will not only ensure that the line between work and home life remains clear and in place, but will again increase communication and understanding of your partners needs during this transitional time.

This may include talking about what you need from one another and how you can effectively work harmoniously together in the same shared space. Some of the boundaries that you might find useful to discuss is where you will be both working, break times, optimal work environments, meal times, etc.

Taking Time for Yourself

Time spent is an important aspect to any relationship as it allows for connection, intimacy, closeness, and bonding. However, it is equally as important and valuable to ensure that you are getting enough time to be on your own and taking time for yourself.  This is even more true now as times have changed, and we may be spending unusually high amounts of time with our partners during quarantine and COVID-19.

Research supports that ensuring that your own emotional needs and wellness is taken care of is vital for you to make sure you are well equipped to support the emotional needs of your partner.  An example of this is the oxygen masks on airplanes. Notice during the safety demonstration that they always say to put your own on before you help anyone else? This is because it is impossible to help someone when you yourself are running out of air.

Although it’s easy to think about ways to engage in self-care, when it comes down to it, you might feel as though taking time for yourself feels selfish. Having open communication with your partner about your self-care needs can help alleviate that feeling of selfishness and can help you to support one another in following through on your self-care time.

Managing Conflict and Stress

The experience we are having with COVID-19 right now is incredibly stressful. People have their own ways of managing this stress, and it’s important to understand your partner’s experience. As we spend more time together, frustrations may build and conflict may ensue.

Dr. John Gottman shares some effective methods in his research that can support couples in navigating particularly stressful situations and conversations. The four rules he highlights for the listener are as follows, 1) suspend any judgment, 2) side with your partner, 3) validate and empathize with your partner and 4) no problem solving. Research suggests that often, when we reach out to our partners during a stressful situation, we are most often seeking validation and understanding. Try your best not to give advice, and simply just be present with your partner. It’s also important to ensure that you are utilizing friends, family members, or co-workers to discuss stressful situations and not only relying on your partner for extra support. This will ensure that your relationship doesn’t get too overwhelmed with stressors.

Dating at Home

As a society, I think we have come to realize how much we love going out to eat, socializing with friends, going to local spots, and enjoying social scenes much more than we ever truly realized prior to this situation. Our culture revolves around coffee shop dates, eating at the newest restaurants, going to yoga, spin, the gym,  to name a few. The same rings true for dating. Just because we cannot do the usual things we love to do, doesn’t mean that dates can’t exist! Take time to connect with your partner and get creative. Dressing up to have takeout in the living room, renting a movie on Shaw on Demand, cooking together,  or going for a drive together and having a long talk are just some of the ideas that you can do while practicing social distancing.

Dating From a Distance

A lot of time has been spent on compiling ways to stay connected and survive social distancing while being confined to your homes together, but it’s important to include couples that don’t live together! Think of this as dating long distance for the short term. Couples will need to rely on creative means to ensure they are staying connected to one another and meeting each other’s needs. Focusing on what you can do, and what is in your control during this time is incredibly important. Understanding how your partner gives and receives love, and what makes them feel connected to you is important to gain a solid understanding of. What does daily communication look like? How can you get creative with virtual communication, virtual dates, and maintaining normalcy in your relationship? How can you show love to your partner from a distance? Spend some time discussing these things as a couple and come up with a solid plan of how to get through this time of distance from one another!

Online Couples Therapy

There comes a time where it feels that you can no longer attend to your relationship effectively, and feel you could benefit from an outside source of help and support. If you feel that this is something your relationship could benefit from, we offer free 20-minute phone consultations and couples therapy online format for the time being. We are here to support you in any way possible during this challenging time. Please feel free to reach out should you have any questions!

Resources

Gottman, John M., & Silver, Nan . The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999. Print.

Gottman, John M (2020, April 9) The Gottman Institute: A Research Based Approach to Relationships. https://www.gottman.com/blog/