The Divorce Survival Guide (& 5 Ways to Get Through It)
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When people get married, I think we all want to believe that it is forever. Unfortunately that is not always the case for everyone. Sometimes, as hard as we try to make things work, some couples come to the realization that divorce is the right decision for them.
This post is about normalizing the experience of going through a divorce, as well as giving you a general “Divorce Survival Guide”, or 5 tips to help you cope through this process.
The Five Stages of Grief as it Applies to Divorce
Divorce not only means letting go of one of the most important relationships in your life, it is also the end of all the dreams you had at some point for what your life together would look like.
As if these feelings are not difficult enough, other factors can make the loss of a marriage or long-term relationship even more difficult. For example, for some people, divorce means the break-up of their family, and having to co-parent (see also: family therapy).
For others, coping with cultural and societal attitudes towards divorce can be extremely difficult, and become another layer of this already complex experience.
Regardless of each unique experience, it is normal to feel a deep sense of grief and loss, and for these emotions to come and go in unpredictable ways. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is famous for creating the model of 5 stages of grief. This model has been applied to all kinds of loss, including the end of a relationship.
These are the 5 stages, as they apply to divorce:
Denial
For some people, the decision to get a divorce has been a long time in the making, for others it feels like a bucket of iced water being poured on your head. Regardless of which group you are in, chances are you have found yourself in the stage of denial.
Denial is about not being able to recognize and fully accept what is happening. These are some of the things that people may think or say when they are in the stage of denial:
“I am so unhappy, but I am sure we are just going through a rough patch and we need to stick it out.”
“I know that he said he is done with the relationship, but we have been together for 15 years. I am sure he will come back.”
The stage of denial is a way for our minds to protect ourselves from a harsh and uncomfortable reality. Unfortunately, denial does not allow for healing to begin. As long as we do not accept the reality of the relationship ending, we cannot move forward.
Depression
The stage of depression can sometimes be one of the most intense ones. This is where many clients come to see us, because the feelings of sadness, guilt, numbness or despair can feel like too much to handle at times. It is important to remember that this is the first step of healing.
The stage of depression can sound a little bit like this:
“I won’t find anyone like that ever again. I will be alone forever”
“I never meant for things to end this way. I feel so guilty for hurting her.”
In addition to these thoughts, the stage of depression can feel a lot like this:
Feeling numb, but also sometimes guilty about not having a lot of feelings.
Crying often and at random times throughout the day.
Heaviness in your chest.
Physical pain.
Lack of energy.
Wanting to be alone.
See also: Managing Depression With Therapy.
Anger
The stage of anger can also be intense. Anger can be directed both at yourself or at your ex-partner. For example:
“How could I put up with so many years of feeling dissatisfied in my marriage?”
“I can’t believe they are just out there enjoying life right now, while I’m here feeling lonely and miserable”
Anger, according to the 5 stages of grief, is energy that is moving, as it is moving towards healing.
Like any of the stages (other than acceptance), we do not want to linger here forever, but anger does serve a purpose in the healing process, and it is ok to acknowledge and accept it. More on that part later.
Bargaining
Once we hit bargaining, we are trying to think of ways in which our story could have had a different ending. It may be too late to bargain with our ex-partner, as perhaps the decision to get divorced is final and there is no going back. However, we might catch ourselves thinking:
“Had I done X, we would still be together.”
“If I had only not ignored all their attempts to reconnect in the relationship.”
“If I only fix these things about myself, maybe we still have a chance.”
Acceptance & Finding Meaning
The final stage of grief according to Kübler-Ross is acceptance. Later on, David Kessler also added a 6th stage, finding meaning.
This does not mean that we like getting divorced, it means that we accept that this is reality, and we know that we will be ok, even without our ex-partner by our side.
“I still love them, but I recognize and accept that they chose divorce as the best option for them.”
“Although I never imagined this would ever happen to me, I recognize that the only way to move forward is to be apart.”
“This relationship has taught me many things about myself that I will use as I move forward in life”
A Note On The Stages of Grief
Like with any other significant loss in our lives, divorce can leave us feeling disoriented, empty, angry, guilty, sad and/or ashamed, just to name a few of the whirlwind of emotions. It can be a confusing time to navigate through, because of the amount and intensity of these emotions, which appear to change and cycle through minute by minute.
Although the stages are presented in steps. It is important to remember that we do not move through them in a progressive and linear way. We may be in acceptance one day, to wake up the next feeling like we are back on depression. This does not mean you are moving backwards, it is just the normal way we process grief to eventually fully accept a loss.
Below are 5 tips to help you navigate through divorce and these stages as they come up.
Divorce Survival Guide: 5 Things to Help You Through It.
1) Be Kind To Yourself
Divorce can feel like an emotional roller-coaster. While you go through the different stages of grief, please be kind to yourself. You are dealing with a major change in your life, and trying to adapt the best way you can. Some days will be easier than others, and it is important to remind yourself of that.
Emotions will come and go, and although uncomfortable, sometimes it is best to allow these emotions to be, rather than to fight against them.
For example, if you are unpacking your things and find something that reminds you of your ex-partner, you may begin to cry, and feel an overwhelming sense of sadness. It is ok to allow yourself to feel these emotions, cry if you need to. Tell yourself that you feel sad right now and it will pass, as emotions often do. Then, as the emotion subsides, move on to continue your unpacking, or take a break and do something else.
Research has shown that allowing emotions to come up is a healthier way to work through our grief rather than trying to suppress them. However, we want to reach a balance between allowing uncomfortable emotions to be, without ruminating in them. This is what brings me to my next point, connect with what brings you joy.
2) Connect With What Brings You Joy
Part of being kind with yourself is also allowing yourself to enjoy life. Make sure to set up “breaks from your grief.” Find activities you enjoy doing for these breaks. What makes you happy?
Maybe it is an activity that you had been putting off for a long time while you were in your relationship. It can be something simple like listening to a song louder than you usually would while singing out loud, dancing in your living room, or watching a funny movie that you love. It may be helpful to create a list of different things you can do, or would like to do, so you can have easy access to it when you need to take a break from the difficult emotions. Think of it as your “Coping Toolkit.”
See also: Living a Values Driven Life.
3) Watch Your Thoughts
Thoughts can have a lot of power on our reality if we let them. Be mindful of the kind of messages you are giving yourself. Think of how we might act differently depending on these two different messages:
“My marriage was a complete failure. I am damaged goods now.” vs. “My divorce was the end to one chapter of my life. I am excited to see what the next chapter brings.”
How do you think each of these thoughts or beliefs may affect someone’s behaviours and feelings? Who do you think would have an easier time finding acceptance and meaning after a divorce?
Thoughts are a way for us to create our reality, and so we can choose to dwell on beliefs that do not serve us in our healing, or try and change them for something that is more helpful. Watch your thoughts for self-defeating and self-blaming beliefs or messages, and see if you can gently begin to change them by using positive affirmations.
Positive affirmations can sound silly at first, especially when you do not fully believe what you are telling yourself. However, the negative messages you give to yourself right now were not created in one day either. Those took practice and repetition (although you may not remember), and so it will take practice and repetition for us to replace them with more positive ones. You can try these affirmations, or come up with your own:
“Even though my relationship did not work, I am worthy of love.”
“I have a lot to bring to a relationship.”
“ I experienced a powerful love, and I will experience it again.”
4) Set Small Goals For The Administrative Aspect Of A Separation
It is important to recognize that the administrative aspects of a divorce can be just as emotionally draining as the long conversations, the fights, and the constant thinking and processing of emotions that come before and right after a divorce.
Steps such as separating finances and assets, determining a schedule for co-parenting, figuring out living situations, can be a harsh reminder of the inevitable end of the relationship. Similarly to tip #1, please be kind with yourself.
Set up small, achievable goals for each day, and allow yourself to take a break if it feels very overwhelming to tackle all of these tasks at once. If it feels like a lot, it is because it is a lot.
5) Get The Right Support
The first step is recognizing that going through a divorce is hard, and it is especially hard to do it alone. This is the time to reach out to family and friends. Sometimes you may need someone to listen and be there with you, other times you may need someone to do something fun with, even if momentarily (Refer back to tip #3).
Another part of finding the right support is finding the right legal advice to help you navigate the legal and financial aspects of divorce. This could be in the form of a family lawyer or a mediator, the right decision for you will depend on your particular circumstances.
The more information you have, the more comfortable you will feel with your decisions.
A psychologist can also help you work through many of the emotions mentioned on this post, as well as others that may be more specific to your situation. There is no one-approach fits all when it comes to working through the end of a long-term, committed relationship. This is why our psychologists offer a free 20-minute phone consultation. Feel free to reach out if you would like to get started on finding your way to healing after a divorce.
Sometimes it can seem like divorce is the end of the road, but I wanted to leave you with a quote that I found quite empowering:
“Sometimes we just don’t know how to complete [relationships], and it’s hard to accept that while every relationship has a beginning, some of them also have endings.”
(Hay & Kessler, 2014, pp. 34).
References & Further Reading
Chan, Amy (2020). Breakup Bootcamp. London: Ebury Publishing.
Hay, L., & Kessler, D. (2014). You Can Heal Your Heart: Finding Peace After a Breakup, Divorce, and Death. Carlsbad, CA: Hay House Inc.
Kessler, D. (2020). Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. New York: Scribner.
Kiiski, J., Määttä, K., & Uusiautti, S. (2013). “For better and for worse, or until…”: On divorce and guilt. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 54, 519-536, DOI: 10.1080/10502556.2013.828980.
Kübler-Ross, E. (2014). On Death and Dying: What the Dying Have to Teach Doctors, Nurses, Clergy & Their Own Families. New York: Scribner.
Määttä, K. (2011). The throes and relief of divorce. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 52, 415-434, DOI: 10.1080/10502556.2011.592425.
Parkes, C. M. (1998). Bereavement in adult life. British Medical Journal, 316, 856-859.
Simonic, B., & Rijavec Klobucar, N. (2017). Attachment perspective on marital dissolution and relational family therapy. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, DOI: 10.1080/10502556.2017.1300015.
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