Removing the Stigma From Couples Counselling (& How to Get the Most From It)
Romantic relationships can provide support, fulfillment, and long-term happiness—but they can also be a lot of work. If you and your partner are experiencing relationship difficulties, you may need a little help to restore and revitalize your connection to each other. That’s where couples counselling comes in.
Couples counselling often provides essential support for romantic partners of all kinds who want to rekindle their spark and restore their faith in each other. However, many people have reservations about going to counselling, often because they don’t know what to expect. Let us tell you more about our approach to couples counselling and clear up some common misconceptions so you and your partner can make an informed choice about how to work on your relationship.
What is Couples Counselling?
Effective couples counselling generally seeks to meet 2 goals:
To address the challenges at the heart of the relationship
To improve honest and open communication between both partners
Every couple in the world has a unique story with its own challenges, so it might be hard to imagine that a counsellor you’ve never met before will have tools and strategies that can help with your particular situation. But experienced counsellors train with methodologies designed to adapt to the needs of clients with a diverse range of lifestyles and experiences.
What Should Couples Expect During Counselling?
The experiences you and your partner have during couples counselling will depend in part on the methods your counsellor uses. We’ve broken down two of our common approaches to couples counselling below:
The Gottman Method
Many of our counsellors use the Gottman Method, a highly-structured approach to couples counselling developed by esteemed therapists Drs. John and Julie Gottman in the 1980s. The Gottman Method seeks to meet the overall objectives of couples counselling (see above) and the particular needs of each partner in the relationship by focusing on:
Enhancing respect and affection within the relationship
Improving verbal communication between both partners
Identifying and removing barriers to connection
Fostering increased empathy and mutual understanding between both partners
The Gottman Method may also include the use of an assessment to determine the key issues affecting the relationship, which can help both partners clarify their goals. As such, the Gottman Method represents a reliable framework that can be tailored to meet the needs of each couple we work with.
Emotionally Focused Therapy
Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) was developed by Drs. Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg in the 1980s and is based on the concept of love as an attachment bond. EFT consists of 9 steps that take place across 3 distinct stages:
De-escalation: the first stage of EFT focuses on identifying patterns of negative behaviour in the relationship and negative emotions arising from attachment issues. Once these patterns and emotions have been made clear, they can be reframed to promote greater empathy and emotional availability for each partner in the relationship.
Restructuring: the second stage of EFT encourages both partners to share their emotions from a place of vulnerability. Each partner also learns how to respond to the other with compassion and acceptance so they can feel comfortable expressing deep feelings and asking for their needs to be met.
Consolidation: the last stage of EFT aims to help both partners develop new strategies for communicating with each other and practice the necessary skills to do so effectively. Eventually, new and healthy patterns of behaviour can replace old and negative ones, allowing the relationship to evolve into a healthier and more rewarding state.
Common Misconceptions About Couples Counselling
Much of the anxiety that people feel about trying couples counselling for the first time can be attributed to a lack of familiarity with the process. To help you know what to expect if you’re considering couples counselling, we’ve done our best to dispel some common myths.
Myth #1: Going to Couples Counselling Means You’re About to Break Up
Some couples who go to counselling are on the brink of a breakup, but that’s not always true. In fact, there are numerous valid reasons why people start couples counselling, including:
Looking for a way to save the relationship
Trying to enhance some aspect of an already successful relationship
In fact, 57% of couples who try counselling do so to increase their connection to each other, so the idea that counselling spells doom for a relationship simply isn’t true. Remember, counselling is intended to be constructive, not destructive.
Myth #2: Couples Counselling Is Just Fighting In Front of a Therapist
Movies and TV shows might have you convinced that couples counselling consists of two people verbally abusing each other while a therapist sits back and watches. Unfortunately, that portrayal isn’t just inaccurate; it’s also harmful, since it can scare couples away from guidance and resources that could help them improve their relationship.
Good relationship counsellors don’t choose sides, and we set strong boundaries within our sessions to help all participants feel safe and supported. We don’t just do that because it causes less drama—research suggests that a stronger connection between couples and their counsellor can also help promote romance within the relationship.
Myth #3: Healthy Couples Aren’t Supposed to Need Help
Perhaps the most pernicious myth of all about couples counselling is that if your relationship was healthy, you and your partner wouldn’t need counselling in the first place. But let’s break that down for a second, shall we? So, the logic there is that if a relationship is worth working on, you… shouldn’t work on it? That doesn’t really make sense.
Humans are social animals, so our partnerships aren’t meant to exist in a vacuum. In fact, some of what often makes a romantic partnership special is that it’s different from the other relationships you might have. But that also means people outside the relationship might see it differently than you and your partner do—and that outside perspective can be extraordinarily valuable if the two of you find yourself too close to your challenges.
Think of your couples counsellor the same way you think of your nutritionist, personal trainer, or professional mentor. They’re all people with specialized knowledge who can help you move forward by looking objectively at the challenges you face from an appropriate distance.
How to Get the Most From Couples Counselling
If you and your partner are considering couples counselling, remember this: positive change is possible, your counsellor has the tools and experience to help you achieve it, and making that commitment is a sign of strength, not weakness. For more information on couples counselling, feel free to contact us directly with your questions.
Additional References
Anxiety Canada. (n.d.). ABC's of anxiety. http://www.anxietycanada.com/articles/abcs-of-anxiety-2/?_ga=2.257274178.879158136.1626128742-1258107074.1624420855
Anxiety Canada. (n.d.). Anxiety 101: What you and your child need to know about anxiety. http://www.anxietycanada.com/articles/anxiety-101-what-you-and-your-child-need-to-know-about-anxiety/?_ga=2.252548544.879158136.1626128742-1258107074.1624420855
Anxiety Canada. (n.d.). Anxiety in adults. https://www.anxietycanada.com/learn-about-anxiety/anxiety-in-adults/#anxiety-disorders
Crocq, M. A. (2015). A history of anxiety: From Hippocrates to DSM. Dialogues in clinical neuroscience, 17(3), 319–325. https://doi.org/10.31887/DCNS.2015.17.3/macrocq
National Institute of Mental Health. (2018). Anxiety disorders. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/anxiety-disorders/
Mayo Clinic. (2018, May 04). Anxiety disorders. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/anxiety/symptoms-causes/syc-20350961
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