Are You Stuck in Negative Sentiment Override? (4 Ways to Repair A Couples Argument)

Table of Contents

• Negative Sentiment Override (NSO)

• What is NSO?

• 4 Ways to Exit NSO

  • Accepting Bids for Connection

  • Accepting Influence

  • Repair After an Argument

  • The "3 Things You Love" Activity

• Patience & Consistency is Key

• Couples Therapy Online with FP Counselling

• References

With new relationships comes a multitude of emotions, feelings, and excitement. You might remember the blissful feeling of what that new relationship is like; where everything feels carefree, communication comes naturally, spending time together is fun and you are getting to know each other.

The complexity of relationships is not typically of concern as you are focused on getting to know and understand each other. The hope is that what remains over time is a similar bond, one filled with intimacy, connection, and shared meaning. However, after arguments, bouts of hardship, and not seeing eye to eye, you may find yourself viewing your partner more negatively. If this continues consistently overtime, couples may find that they begin to experience what Robert Weiss refers to as Negative Sentiment Override.

What is Negative Sentiment Override?

Negative Sentiment Override, also known as Negative Perspective, is the result of conflict and arguments distorting our view of our partners wherein we perceive any interaction regardless of its intention as negative. We often do not give our partner the benefit of the doubt and will not attempt to make repairs after an argument. Instead, you might view your partner negatively and make assumptions based off of past experiences. While in Negative Sentiment Override, people tend to bring past frustrations into consideration and fail to see their partner in the present interaction. You may notice that you are quick to get irritated or annoyed by things your partner says or does, or feel criticized easily. Gottman research suggests that when stuck in Negative Sentiment Override, at least 50% of the time we view our relationship negatively. This means that even when times are good and things are going well, you are unable to notice the positive in your relationship.

Consider this example. Pat has been in a relationship with his girlfriend, Anna for 2 years. When he first met Anna, every little thing she did down to the way she winked at him he found to be endearing, funny, and sweet. He missed her when she was gone. Anna found it cute that he would send her messages letting her know that he missed her and wished that he could be spending time with her. They have been living together for about 1 year, over which they have begun to have several disagreements over their work schedules, and have found it challenging to resolve at times.  She gets easily irritated when he mentions that she works too much and accuses him of not giving her enough space. The texts she once found cute and endearing she now finds irritating and is easily annoyed by.  Pat finds himself not missing her as much when she is gone and rather finds himself thinking about how frustrating he finds living with her and thinking about how she doesn’t help out enough around the house as she is never there.  When she winks at him, the gesture he once found annoying,  he now finds himself being easily annoyed by.

What happened there?  The couple began to view each other in an increasingly negative light. Over a significant period of time, Pat began to feel pent up frustration, and began to view his relationship to Anna as inherently negative. Anna also found herself viewing the relationship negatively and was becoming frustrated easily by Pat’s desire for her to be around more.

Both Pat and Anna were unable to feel the same level of happiness that they once got from their relationship and instead began focusing on the negative aspects. Don’t get this wrong - it is entirely normal to feel frustration, annoyance, irritation, and even anger towards our significant others! All feelings are welcome and are part of relationships; however it’s when they begin to take over and make it impossible for us to connect on a positive level with our partner that they become problematic.

Once you enter into Negative Sentiment Override, it can be a very uncomfortable place to be. You might find yourself questioning your commitment, happiness, or desire to continue being in the relationship. So, how do you get yourself out of this place?

4 Ways to Exit Negative Sentiment Override

1. Accepting Bids for Connection

Gottman therapy supports the concept of bids for connection as being a pillar to a healthy relationship. Bids for connection are constantly being made between a couple. Whether it be eye contact, putting your hand on their leg, smiling, or reaching out for a hug. It’s important that we respond to these bids from our partner as they help each other feel safe, validated, and loved. If one partner finds themselves making bids and those not being accepted, they may begin to feel rejection and hurt, over time causing them to stop making bids, leading them to feel Negative Sentiment Override. This can be a difficult place to be in a relationship, and can feel that you are at a stalemate. It’s important, then, to ensure that you are looking for bids from your partner, and actively engaging in them yourself. As we become more comfortable in our relationship, we may seek out affection or validation less and therefore feel that these bids are not important. However, they truly do allow us to remain in a positive perspective and as an important marker for healthy relationships.  

You might try to keep an eye out for your partners bids. In what ways are they seeking to connect with you? Look for subtleties; whether it be eye contact, brushing up against your arm, or saying they had a hard day. Attempt to respond to those bids the most promptly that you can and attune to each other’s needs.

2. Accepting Influence

Gottman Therapy believes that when we adopt the “I’m right, and you’re wrong” (otherwise known as power struggles) mentality, both partners end up losing in this situation. Gottman therapy reports that when we refuse to accept one another’s influence, there is an 80% chance that marriages will fail.

When we refuse to accept influence, we are choosing not to take our partners thoughts, feelings, and opinion into consideration. This is an easy path to creating Negative Sentiment Override, as you may come to expect that whenever you share your opinion it will be rejected, causing you to then think negatively of your partner. In order to accept influence, you are actively choosing to search for common ground, seeking to find a space that you can both be heard, validated, and understood in your difference of opinion.

3. Repair After an Argument

This suggestion might feel like a simplistic one- however it’s important to note as a lot of couples struggle with simply saying sorry to one another. Ensure that you are making attempts to repair after disagreements and discuss ways that you can grow and work on things together. One of the things I hear most often in couples therapy is that partners want to feel and be heard. Validation is key in a healthy relationship and it’s through repair attempts that we can allow greater space for our partners to express their needs and feel heard in times of vulnerability. When we choose not to repair after arguments and sweep issues under the rug, resentment begins to take place in our relationship.This makes staying in Positive Sentiment Override increasingly more difficulty and can be the caveat to experiencing NSO. Next time you find yourself in a disagreement, work on walking towards the repair, instead of away from it. Find ways that you can improve, own up to your mistakes and apologize to one another.

The "3 Things You Love" Activity

One of the biggest protective factors that you can engage in to ensure that you are not entering into Negative Sentiment Override is having fun with each other. When is the last time you had a good time with your partner? If the answer to that question is that you can’t remember the last time, it’s time you focus on each other!

This is one of my favourite activities that I utilize in my current work with couples.Over a week period, both of you will do 3 things to demonstrate to your partner that you love them. These 3 things can be anything you want. Consider your partners love language; maybe you will clean the kitchen for them, buy their favourite bottle of wine, give them a foot rub while watching tv, or leave them a note in their lunch. Here’s the catch though- you can’t tell them what those things are, or when you are doing them! Keep them a secret, and at the end of the week, try to guess what your partner did and see if you were able to get it right. The results of this activity are always fun. You either have someone who guessed all correctly, or if not, they were able to recognize and identify ways that their partner demonstrated love without even trying to attempt it. This in turn creates more positive feelings towards one another and increases connection.

Patience & Consistency is Key

Negative Sentiment Override can be an easy pattern to fall into if we are not actively working at putting effort into our relationship. Spending time together, having fun, and accepting bids for connection are all ways that you can ensure that your relationship remains in Positive Perspective. Negative Sentiment Override can take awhile to get out of, so be patient and keep consistent with positively affirming one another. Remember, relationships take work, and the ones that are meant to last a lifetime require a great deal of care, love, and attention!

Online Counselling with FP Counselling

If you are finding that you are having difficulties in your relationship and would benefit from therapy you are encouraged to reach out to one of our therapists at FP Counselling. We offer free 20-minute consultations for you to get to know us, our approach, and to answer any questions you might have. We would be more than happy to speak with you and look forward to hearing from you!

References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2018). The seven principles for making marriage work. London: Cassell Illustrated.

Gottman, J. M. (1994). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Hillsdale: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Gottman J., Cole C., Cole D.L. (2018) Negative Sentiment Override in Couples and Families. In: Lebow J., Chambers A., Breunlin D. (eds) Encyclopedia of Couple and Family Therapy. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-15877-8_180-1

Rusnak, K. (2020, December 10). A research-based approach to relationships. Retrieved December 16, 2020, from https://www.gottman.com/